I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
