Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
