Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
