I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
