My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
