My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize