I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm like, not good at living.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
