I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
