I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
