So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
