Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
