I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
