How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
