There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
