Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
