No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
