i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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