i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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