I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
