if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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