i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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