So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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