did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
