Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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