The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
