Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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