Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's blow job season.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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