theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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