i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
