Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
