my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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