There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
