Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
