We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
