Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
