We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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