My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
