The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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