I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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