Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This is my gift to your gina
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
