I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
