come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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