Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Your cock deserves a montage
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
