I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
