The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
