Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
