yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
