So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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