Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
