my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
