I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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