don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
