Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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