i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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