Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
BRING THE BAGELS
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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