you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
