THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
