the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
