one word: firstdatebathroomanal
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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