I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
