I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
