hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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