I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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