apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He has the fingertips of a God
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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