Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
