so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
