My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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