I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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