Someone shit on the floor
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
