please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
